This whole entire month has really been bad for me. I'm just not motivated. Not as motivated as I should be. In the month of June, I've completed one gig and shot street just once... I completed a few blog post, but nothing as quality as my usual work. I went to the gym 7 times, which isn't awful but is nowhere near my goal. I started FrameWorkd but I can slowly see the demise of the channel based on our recent work ethic. What's really weird is my sleeping pattern, I've been so tired, yet I'm not doing anything. I'm both going to bed early and waking up late... It's so unlike me.
Today I decided to take a different approach, I got up, EARLY, took a shower, ate breakfast and went to the gym. I arrived there around 10:45 and worked out pretty solidly. Typically I just play basketball, but this time, I told myself I was going to actually hit the weights. While working out I talked to a friend about his problems and time flew by. I took a 10-minute rest and then began to play basketball for about 90 minutes... I lost each game.
I decided that 2 hours at the gym was solid enough... I left, upon walking home I decided to take the long route, I felt the extra exercise couldn't hurt. I called my friend, got his voicemail. Seconds later a friend called me, he wanted to know where we were watching the game at. I hate making these decisions so I told him I'd look into it. We hung up. Shortly after my girlfriend called, she was yelling at me... I did something wrong, again!
After a brief conversation, we hung up and it started raining...
I decided walking home in the rain wasn't so bad. I thought about my life, this month, my bills, my photography, my friends, how I was always there for them but they couldn't be for me... Not because they sucked, but because I'm the first one to go through what I'm going through, they listen, but they couldn't give sound advice.
Then I started to think about advice in itself. Could I even be helped? Am I doomed? Am I the only person who thinks like me? Surely what I say makes sense, it has to, I give everything thought.
My brain began to hurt. It began to rain profusely.
I debated if I should continue to walk or not. I wasn't far from home, but I couldn't afford to get my phone wet, the screen was already cracked and exposed and the last thing I needed was a water damaged phone with a voided warranty. I sat at a little church. My phone rang again.
It was Erica... My girlfriend. I got yelled at again, it was brief, I made sure to be polite. We hung up and I my brain started to scramble again. I turned music on to try and distract myself... I put my head down, but I couldn't stop thinking, I was literally going crazy. I thought again about life, about if mine was ever going to be better and that the fact that it wasn't right now was nobody else's fault but mine.
I thought about fame and photography and really questioned if it was important to me or not. What was my end goal?
I thought about social media and told myself that it didn't matter... Then I played devil's advocate and discusses how likes and comments are the future... I'm still confused on that subject.
I thought about my family and asked who was being the selfish one. Am I a bad person for having dreams and going for them? Or am I shitty because I focus so much time on improving?
I lifted my head up as the rain started to spill onto the porch I was sitting on, to my surprise, people were standing around me... It was awkward but kind of calming.
Everyone looked at peace, no one complained about being stuck in the rain, they just stood there and enjoyed the shower. I wanted to enjoy the shower... I just didn't know how. Not without answering those questions first.
I heard this loud sound come from above me, I had no idea what it was but it startled me. I looked up and it was some sort of construction going on... I watched them for a few minutes and it started to rain harder and harder.
I began to wonder where does the rain come from, it was just amazing how it fell out of the sky. I looked further up to watch it come down, I felt like I was a part of The Truman Show.
That was probably one of the most peaceful moments I've had in a long time. It only lasted 5 minutes, but it felt like an eternity. For that short period of time, my problems didn't matter, I didn't think about life, or being great, but I just enjoyed the shower. The rain began to calm down and I finally decided to head home.
I swear I felt so free...