Rant: Lack of Self-Awareness Is Holding You Back


Before I start, I'd like to do a bit of foreshadowing for those who are new to the blog. This is my journal, I present my thoughts here. You'll gain a lot of insight on street photography and self-confidence when creating art, but from time to time I like to come here and just vent. I feel it adds a human element to my blog, but it also just relieves stress. Okay, glad we got that out of the way, back to the topic at hand.

I talk about my personal life often, but there's one thing I've held back from you all. The one thing that holds me back from being great. From being a great blogger and YouTuber, from being a great photographer. No, it's not a camera or a huge following, but it's, in fact, my weight.

Since I was a kid I battled with weight, I've never been obese, but I've been round enough to wear it bothers me. Round enough to where other people notice. It began in 4th grade, that's when I started to gain weight. My parents had decided to move back in together, as roommates, not companions. My dad slept in one room while my mom slept in the other. They shared the rent, the responsibilities, but one thing they couldn't come to agreeance on was food. There was never any food in the house and neither of them wanted to buy any as they feared the other would eat it. As I type this it seems really stupid and petty... That's because it was.

At the time though it was one of the greatest wins of all time. Every day my parents would give me a few dollars to eat, my dad didn't know my mom gave me money and my mom the same. I'd get like $20-30 bucks each day. That was a lot of money as a 4th grader. The entrepreneur in me wishes I would have put it in a jar, perhaps I could have owned a business, but what really happened was that I visited my local coney 2-3 times a day. I remember my order like it was yesterday, a patty melt with bacon and a jumbo chili cheese fry. If I was feeling extra greedy I'd add in some mozzarella sticks... that was a lot of cheese, hell it was a lot of food.

I quickly gained weight, which for whatever reason was unnoticeable to me as a kid. My mom was the supportive type, I was always cute, so whatever imperfections I had I was unaware of. It really didn't hit me until I got on the bus to school, I remember the day vividly. There were two girls on the bus and one of them had liked a friend of mine, they talked about him the entire bus ride, he finally got enough courage to go over there and talk to them and as his ice breaker he said: I'm having a bowling party this Friday after school, you should come, bring your friend to, she can hang out with my boy... 

The one girl smiled, but the other guy didn't look too excited. She looked at me and said "Who? The fat one? Nah, I'm good, at least he got waves though". That's an exact quote, I'm not sure if it's sad or impressive that I remember those words.

I didn't go to that bowling party. I stopped going to parties period. I locked myself in the room and from that point on I was the fat kid. 

Throughout my life I've battled with weight, going both up and down. There were moments in my life where I was the skinny kid and then I'd gain the weight back. In all honesty, it's really been depressing.

This problem of mine has held me back, held me back from stepping into the limelight. Right now I'm at the heaviest I've ever been. And I'm trying to fight through it, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't get me down at times. It's the reason I don't vlog every day, it's the reason why you don't see me at the local events or any pictures of me on social media.

Health is important, so is appreance. It's amazing how something that has nothing to do with photography can hold me back from doing so. I preach a lot about having self-confidence when you shoot, but having self-awareness is equally as important. 

It's important to understand your setbacks and more importantly how to overcome. I know I lack confidence when it comes to my appearance, so it's important that I dedicate time and energy to work towards that.

I write this because I've been lying to myself. I've been making excuses and I know others are probably doing the same. Your issue may not be weight, but it's something you're ignoring that is likely an easy fix. Discipline is simply what's holding me back, the idea of saying no to a cheese burger or beer for 90 days seem so daunting, but if it can change my life then why not do so?

I'm interested in what's holding you back? Not to judge you or laugh, but simply so you can write it out and be honest with yourself. I feel like my goals are clearer after writing this blog post. I feel like I understand what I have to do, the changes I need to make. It may seem vain, but I believe appearance is important, I also believe feeling better equates to doing better. So here's to doing better, here's to focusing on what matters... Here's to making life changes and not short-term ones. I wish you all luck on your journey to greatness and I hope you support mine.

I promise the next few blog post will be more photo centric, but I had to get this weight off my chest (pun intended).

Patreon is a platform allowing you to support creators and artists by pledging a small amount of money every month. This will make it possible for me to continue to make content and explore my creative ideas.

Patreon is a platform allowing you to support creators and artists by pledging a small amount of money every month.

This will make it possible for me to continue to make content and explore my creative ideas.