I've been venting on Twitter all day and I've finally decided to take my frustration towards my blog. I just want to say in advance that this post isn't directed towards anyone, I simply just have too much time to myself. Early today I was trying to explain to my girlfriend that music was more than just tempo or lyrics, but it's normally a story or message in the music that you the listener can relate too. It's why we like the artist that we do, or at least in my case this is true.
She didn't really grasp the concept, so I let her listen to a few songs that reflected me to see if she could get a better idea of what I was trying to convey. I think she understood my message, but listening to the songs brought me back to a dark place, a place of emptiness, and depression. When I listen to music I see the struggles many of the artist have been through, and while it's uplifting that they have prevailed I sometimes get bummed out that I haven't myself.
You begin to doubt yourself, you ask yourself questions, one of my favorites is, are the people who are around you really that much better than me? It doesn't always have to be a comparison of your work, but maybe they have a better personality or a sellable image. All these things can be worked on. Sometimes I sit around the house and think of all these fantastic ideas to get me to the next level, but I spend more time thinking about the ideas then actually executing them.
It's extremely hard, trying to organize a plethora of thoughts and actually act on them, sometimes it seems impossible. Now I'm not writing this to bring anyone down or influence them to quit, but to instead let them know that they aren't alone, that others feel the same way. It's something we go through as thinkers, and it's a first stage setback that we all need to get past.
So what's else is holding us back? Sometimes the people around us, surprisingly my closest friends and family are the least supportive in my endeavors. I haven't 100% figured out why, but its saddening. Now they aren't doing this purposely, i'm sure it's subconsciously happening, but it still affects me in a negative way. When I was a kid, my parents always told me I could be anything I wanted, at what point did that theory go out the window? Why do I have to have a backup plan? If I was pursuing a career that was say more "realistic" then would they suggest a backup plan for that as well? Probably not.
I just can't seem to understand why finding genuine support is so damn difficult. I'm a photographer in a relationship, so at times my girlfriend gets uncomfortable with the amount of females who reach out to me, she tries to keep her composure, but somehow she works it into the conversation, regardless of how many times we've discusses it in the past. The other day she was having one of her moments and I explained to her that this wasn't a hobby, it's not something I do for fun (even though I enjoy it). It's a job, a low paying one at the moment but a job none-the-less, at least that's how I have to treat it. I need to put in my 40+ hours a week, constant education is needed, early mornings, late nights, and most importantly consistent shooting. Her biggest gripe at the time was that the females I was taking pictures of weren't even real models, that made me furious! I was being petty, but I took what she said the wrong way, almost as if she were saying you aren't a real photographer... It angered me, and really made me think... What makes a "real photographer"? Or a real model? Or a real musician? Do we really have to put in 10,000 hours to be taken serious? You think of all the greats and you have to remind yourself that at some point they weren't... well great. They had to work for it and they had to grind. They weren't real artist or professionals either, they worked and made you believe they were. I guess that's what I'll have to do as well, I'll keep putting myself out there to be noticed, and when other people start to recognize my work and tell you about it, maybe then you'll refer to me as your friend the photographer.